For my next trick

My friend had started a new job and he had taken to it like a smudge on a Polaroid print. All his colleagues are a good laugh and relations are great in the workforce, he said. The camaraderie is such that they spend a lot of their leisure time together as well. They had planned an evening out at a posh hotel. They were always going places and meeting up. Eager to meet these funny, interesting individuals I asked if I could come along.

“But you don’t know anyone,” said my friend “ You’ll just be sitting in the corner laughing at all the jokes.”

He was right. It would be hard for me to integrate myself with all these strangers that were well acquainted. Still, I was feeling impulsive.

“I like laughing at jokes. I’ll sit in the corner. Please don’t deny me the chance to laugh at jokes.”

Still he would not budge even when I suggested I bring my pet goat to the party to enliven things further. Goats are a great device to use in stories. It’s amazing the amount of things you can do with a goat! If I did by chance fail spectacularly with a gag of my own I could redeem matters by saying “I’ll get me goat! Taxi!”. In a more serious mood, it would probably be better if I didn’t take my goat as I didn’t want the men staring at it.

My friend then tantalised me more by going on and on about the good nature and all round friendliness of his new band of campers. There’s not a bad caravan among them, he said, they all pull as one trailer. I just had to meet this cavalcade. I asked my friend if he knew what the words gate and crash meant and if he had ever heard of any of my previous gate crashing moments, especially the last one which is now known as Gatecrashgate. This unhinged him and he flipped like a politician by believing I’d be a safer bet on the inside of the cabinet than on the outside looking in, or crashing in. I was invited to the gig under the condition that I must sit in the corner and laugh at all the witticisms.

The big night arrived. With the confidence of Conan the Barbarian I strode into the hotel. Even without a sword I was still ready to take on the world. Fashionably, like a headliner, I made sure I was late. A maitre d’ escorted me to the correct table. As I neared I could hear the raucous laughter of my friend and his new work mates; happy at work, happy at play, a very happy bunch of campers. I announced myself to the gathering. They stopped talking and looked at me. I could see in the distance an empty chair which, obviously, is where I was designated to be placed. I was to sit over there and laugh at the jokes.

“Go and sit over there.“ said one of the gang, then they all burst out laughing when he added. “Mr Horner”.

The guffaws went on for some time. What would Conan do? Conan wouldn’t sit in the corner. He would do some sorcery.

Completely ignoring me they resumed their humorous conversation with one another. Another impulse came upon me. I eyed the dining table. It was populated with all the culinary accoutrements that are customary in an eatery: knives, forks, spoons, plates, pots, A CUDDLY TOY, bottles of wine and wine glasses which were half full, glass vases with freshly cut flowers. The first dish, soup, was in the process of being eaten by the unruly patrons.

I had to make a good first impression. This would be important if I were to have any future everlasting correspondence with these funny, interesting individuals. I wanted to do something I’d never tried before that would bring the house down. My quicksilver mind told me to attempt the classic guaranteed show-stealer that would make me the life and soul of the party- the pull off the tablecloth from the table trick.

“Everybody get your hands off the table” I bellowed in my hardest Hyborian accent. This got the crowd’s attention and they levitated their paws like obedient curs.

Grabbing both ends of the tablecloth I prepared to whip the cloth away and prove that Isaac Newton’s first Law of Motion works. There was a chilling atmosphere in the room. The piano player stopped playing, the chatter subsided at the tables, the lambs went silent and some diners looked away. I whisked at the cloth.