Back from Neanderthal Territory

Have been out of touch in deepest darkest Pembrokeshire.

The place appears to have been invaded by a strange new set of creatures.

They are all obese, of indeterminate age, suspiciously female and bedecked with bright red hair and navy blue claws.  They purport to be human but I’m not too sure.  The blue claws are a bit disconcerting when handing over one’s obligatory infusions of red wine, perilously close to ones own  unbedecked hands.

I tried to ascertain to which tribe they belonged, but they had no feathers to identify them, they appear to cackle in answer to any interrogation. I had not heard any tale of painted boat people landing in Milford Sound!

All most unsettling.

Apart from that have escaped back to the normal inbred insanity of wild west Carmarthenshire where the internet actually works!

Had lunch with the coven yesterday, a hotel seemed far more appropriate than running round the woods, too damned old for that caper. Departed with much advice, foretellings of the future and promises of spells as necessary via the internet! It would be funny if they weren’t so damned accurate!!!

Had lunch with my lawyer the day before, no business, lunch just because we do and he paid, that has to be a first!  I must have no business more often.  Milford Haven was heaving, a cruise ship was in and the place mobbed, haven’t seen it that busy in 50 years.

Agonised emails a plenty from a very discombobulated spousal unit who is actually having to do some work garnering the harvest of my veg garden, evidently the tomato framework fell down off the greenhouse wall, (He had not trimmed the tops of the plants)

Causing great work party of neighbours to heave the thing back into a vertical position, mass trauma!  Mad attack of the killer tomatoes!!!!

Message for OZ answer your bloody emails or your jumper will have no sleeves!

Hope you are all surviving the deprivations of leaving hearth and home for summer sojourns!  Bloody bad idea really, bloody tourists all over the place, Freshwater West beach had more people than Oxford Street and Angle had more people than ships passing, ridiculous, they should all go home and do their gardens! Thank God Carmarthenshire does not ‘do’ tourists, go down the pub tonight for some peace and quiet.

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Author: christinaosborne

Landed on one side safely.

10 thoughts on “Back from Neanderthal Territory”

  1. My Cornwall has also be invaded by the wide ones. If they waddle two abreast (which they always do) they meander at 0.001 mph while completely blocking the street. One sees more of them who are obviously grossly overweight than earthlings who appear to be in roughly the correct proportions. On a more positive note, it may well solve the pensions crisis, ‘cos a lot of them look like they ain’t gonna make old bones.

  2. Ah, yes, the wide ones… Humanoid amoebas oozing from one table to another blessed with just enough bone structure to be able to hold the brushes necessary to paint themselves. One suspects that they are the result of freakish laboratory experiments gone horrifically wrong — a sort of hybrid chicken/human/blob designed to crush the will of enemies to survive. Unlike their predecessor, Frankenstein’s monster, they lack all erudition and intellectual capacities. One suspects that the entire tribe may have something almost equivalent to one brain cell on the best of days.

    California’s road system is at the moment little better. Traffic, not always the most consistent on a good day, has been impaired terribly by a combined force of the Lycra Mafia, campers, and swarms of pensioners with their disturbingly large caravans better suited to providing housing for half of Tokyo than travelling on the highways and motorways. Naturally, the painted tribes of wide ones congregate around wine tasting shops making hideous noises.

  3. Don’t get me started, I have been very restrained regarding my encounters with the large during this trip to the hinterlands. What’s with the bright nail colours (jewelled patterns in some cases)? My theory is that their hands are one of the few parts of their anatomy that is still visible to them without mirrors or remote video feeds, so they decorate them. I have been casting about for some pithy description, “Elephant Seals” is close, any movement involving the shaking of much blubber, with associated trumpeting.

    I’m with JHL many have “labored mightily” (C. Dickens) to get that large and at early ages are suffering the consequences. Mobility scooters and oxygen packs at fifty, gone by sixty. Maybe the only hope for the Social Security System.

    Raining today.

  4. Ah yes, the ‘broadsides’. Never fear, Vikingland is not just the place to find svelte blond(e)s. It is also a brreding ground for Michelin logo lookalikes whose biggest challenge is standing and walking.

  6. For some years I have applied my own collective noun for a group of tourists, visiting from the ‘land of the free’, to wit, a waddle, as in a waddle of Americans emerged from the restaurant. But I fear that description is no longer uniquely earned by that tribe. The early colonizers of southern Africa, the Bantu people, who took the land from the indigenous Khoisan, have expanded to elephantine proportions in recent years.

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