A Diatribe On Errors in Jabberwocky!

‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Lewis Carroll is responsible for a grave error, they weren’t ‘toves’.  They were ‘tofus’

This lamentable lexicography has permitted the ongoing perpetration of an unimaginable horror in the borogroves of Seattle. (For those of you lacking in the intrepid exploring gene, they are similar to mangrove swamps but MUCH nastier.)

Officious, officiating officials sent forth by the Imps of ‘elf and safety’ have seized some wretched Oriental female in her den and accused her of the cardinal crime of butchering tofus stolen from the borogroves. To boot, her heinous crimes are worse. She is accused of  mistreating them in their death throws! Heating them as they die, prolonging their throes, shipping their still quivering bodies in warm death carts for human consumption and allowing their poor tortured bodies to be set upon by vermin, (four and six legged, we will come to the two legged in due course!).

To return to Lewis Carroll, had he not perpetrated his obfuscating miasmic mistake, everyone would have been aware of gambolling tofu in the borogroves, charabanc outings could have been had for a mere bagatelle. As it is, the great unwashed of Seattle are under the crushing misapprehension that tofus are vegetables.  That Gandolfian gerrymandering has been perpetrated on ruminant’s rubbish to render said for rumbling repasts! ( I assure you masses are being said even now for their souls, the tofus you fool, not the great unwashed, all they need is a bath!)

Of course, this revealing, revolting revelation is to be thought seemingly seminal in explaining the hopeless, hapless denizens of Seattle. Consumption of tofus brings about terrible changes in humanity. They acquire appurtenances about their bodies.  Large uncured cow skin down at heel sandals and monstrous bunchy skirts that aggregate extra flounces the more tofu corpses that are consumed. Sagging dirty jackets, huge tote sacks.  All bizarre badges of their afflicting addiction.  For those of you too delicate to view such, think Hobbit, but dirtier!

It prostrates me to retell such a tale. For those of us of greater sensitivity, those of us who were aware of Lewis Carroll’s error, that had seen, or thought they had seen, delightful gambolling tofus and were quite appraised of the knowledge that they were closely related to Unicorns.  None of these would have ever considered sullying their bodies with such vile comestibles.

I come to the end of my diatribe with an admonition for the general populace as to what is and what is not fit for human consumption.  When you next happen across a grove of margerine trees, enter into the dark and shady spaces, anything you see there, Jabberwockies, unicorns, tofus and the like are not fit for human consumption AND DO NOT LEAN AGAINST THE TUM TUM TREE. (The sad condition is catching!)  Let no comestible commissariat tell you otherwise, THEY LIE!

As an act of pity, I shall impart to you the remedy for having mistakenly having eaten  of this foulness in the past.  A sufficiency of large steaks causes flouncy skirts to reverse their action and once more you may join polite society without revealing your past social solecisms!

I am quite sure that you can all see that it is imperative to restore the borogroves to the correct state of mimsy!

A postscript for the gentle reader on the nature of two legged vermin in Seattle.  Modesty precludes me from discussion in the public sphere.  But think mutating gender!  (A suitable end for the confirmed tofu addict!)

Author: christinaosborne

Landed on one side safely. View all posts by christinaosborne