My old granddad always used to say “There’s two types of people in this world. Those that keep stuff and those that don’t keep stuff.” Me, I could hoard until the cows come home and as the song goes, I’m not the only one. My mate Chibber is also a hoarder.
Hoarders hate throwing things out which is why, to state the obvious, they and me are called hoarders. I hoard just about everything that can be hoarded; this and that sort of stuff and if there were a thet and thut sort of stuff I’d hoard them too (no one in their right mind would hoard thits). This hoarding, to me, is why the Good Lord created lofts. To hoard stuff in. Think about it, what is the point of having an empty loft? That’d be like having a bath and not running it.
Chibber’s hoard of choice is DVD’s. He is a one-man HMV and Blockbuster combined outlet. He has floor to ceiling shelves stacked with innumerable DVD titles arranged, I must say, in a kind of an orderly fashion but not a great indexing system. I’d mark it- 6/10. His favoured fare of small screen watching is horror movies like Cannibal Holocaust and Texas Chainsaw Bloodbath but his vast collection does cover a wide range of genres. There’s also a couple of favourite DVD’s of his wife’s thrown in there for good measure.
One day while when we were in our usual alcoholic state, I said to him.
“Wouldn’t it be original to turn the cases of your DVD’s around so that you can’t see the name of the disc? They would all look the same: nameless. Communism has prevailed over capitalism .” That last sentence is hard to say when drunk. Too many ism’s in it.
I fully expected this left-field idea to be piranhaed at birth. But it wasn’t. Chibber gave it full Marx as he replied.
“Genesis. Let’s go back to the dawn of man. We will reverse the DVD cases.”
For an hour we mixed all the shelves up, juggling the DVD’s from one place to another and putting them the wrong way round. The strong-armed Chibber had big bucket hands and he would shuffle twenty DVD’s at a time as if they were a pack of cards. Eventually, we had changed all the DVD’s round so that no name was visible. Mission accomplished.
“It’s like a virgin tundra.” said I, snowblind, scanning the colourless shelves with their humourless conformity.
“Or like the boxes on Deal or no Deal. You never know what you’re going to get when you pull a DVD out.” said Chibber.
Just then Chibber’s wife arrived home. Kipling was right, the female of the species is more deadlier than the male. Mrs Chibber is a formidable creature. She was also in an alcoholic state.
“I couldn’t have go a watch of Phil Collins Live in Paris. Dig the disc out for me, will you Chibber?”
Me and Chibber looked at one another without joy. I said.
“Hello. I must be going.”
Boadicea's Chariot 
Thanks for the dedication, JW! Inmho, Phil is worth hoarding.
I’m married to one, it’s a horror story!
Tell you what, try moving across the Atlantic 5 times and pay the bills yourself. You get more ruthless every time you do it!
When I finally cleared the Welsh house I just opened the front door and told the town to help themselves, literally! I had already shipped what I wanted and my suitcases were in the car. The rest was up for grabs, what was left was collected by a homeless charity, after all, you can’t take it with you for the ultimate trip so might as well get used to practise disposing of it previously!!!
It is easy after the first give away.
Christina, I agree. We have done the same – twice!
Bom dia JW. As one chronic hoarder to another, you write far too well not to have entered the pome comp and a piccie or two would also be good. Please sort it forthwith – nine days to go including today.
I like this famous version of Mr Collins’ classic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wy52yueBX_s
OZ
Mrs FEEG is a serial hoarder, her especial fetishes being ancient VHS tapes which are never watched and cuddly toys that are never cuddled, but plenty of other junk as well!
I am sure there should be an organisation called HA (Hoarders Anonymous) i.e. “My name is Bert and I have a house full of useless rubbish that may come in useful one day!”
Ancient VHS tapes, that reminds me.
Before Christmas I read the riot act about the garage being so full of junk as to be no longer navigable.
There were 6 large packing cases of VHS tapes, all unmarked, all home recordings of PBS TV shows.
Fancy making all these recordings and never bothering to label them!!
Needless to say I have refused point blank to watch them in an effort to find the odd nugget amidst the dross.
Finally the promise of an auto da fey galvanised an entry onto Craig’s list and some equal nutter actually paid $30 for the privilege of removing such. A princely sum as a return for the thousands spent on acquiring them in the first place!
One really does wonder what hold the ears apart.
I do think Americans are much worse that the British for hoarding, all these endless storage units for rent everywhere are all filled with hoarded crap.
What is needed is a good fire!
CO, I think that Yanks might seek to encapsulate a ‘history’ in junk. ‘This is my grandmother’s teapot, 1953.’
I used to have a policy that if I hadn’t used something for a year – out it went! I’m not quite so ruthless now, I hang on to some ‘sentimental’ odds and ends.
Many years ago, I moved from a four bed-roomed house to a one bed-roomed flat. I gave the keys to the house to a friend and told him to get rid of the lot. I’ve only regretted the loss of two items…
I moved to Oz with four tea-chests of household goodies – but I don’t know how many boxes of books. That was twenty-five years ago. I’ve just put the books in boxes, but I’ve not had the courage (yet!) to phone someone to take them away.
I have always maintained continuity by moving, oriental rugs, good china, reference books and a few pieces of good antique furniture, so my home always looks the same anywhere.
I have to admit that I kept more of the boy’s thing than probably was good for me but I couldn’t part with his green gingham dragon I made for him when he was one. It is unfortunately quadriplegic and blind these days so need a ‘good home’!
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
I parked many of my heirlooms with my eldest daughter before the first move abroad and luckily for the clan she uses and treasures them. Otherwise I agree – the most important non-fiction and reference books go everywhere.