Like it or loathe it, you can’t ignore it. The first nisser (elves to you) are now multiplying around the supermarkets to herald the season of ill-temper and untold misery for millions. As one small victim put it so succinctly: “dear santa, larst yere you wos a mean bogger.” But I bring good tidings. Yours truly, Janus Agonensis, is setting up in competition with the ageing Arctic benefactor. After all, two heads are better than one and my delivery service is syndicated to low-tax Amazon. So all you have to do is to tell me your deepest desires – which will be fulfilled, subject to your signed agreement to the terms and conditions detailed in a special app available from Boots and all good garden centres, price $49.95. Thank you for your attention and have a nice day. Welcome to the Agonalia! (see Wiki for assistance as required).