Christmas. A suggestion was put forward by one of the gang to have a fancy dress party for our Christmas do. This was given a lot of consideration. The impulsive mood was in the air and the motion was almost passed. Saner minds took over and the costumed ball was binned.
My son’s football team had a fancy dress party last year. The novelty effect made it a success though no one wanted a repeat performance. I have only ever been at one myself (I was a snowman, pretty boring I know). It was that long ago it was a party held by one of my old football teams.
If we did have a dressing-up gig this Christmas I would have made a big effort and went for something special. I would have disguised myself as a window cleaner. The outlay on this costume would be minimal: A couple of chamois’s, a bucket, a sponge, one of those wipe the suds down the window thingy’s and we‘re away. Now I know what you’re thinking. This is a boring outfit. You’re forgetting one thing.
The Ladder.
This is where the fun starts. How good would it be to go to a party with a, let’s call it medium to large sized, ladder? The taxi to the event would be an event in itself. Probably have to walk. Then when you get there look at all the mayhem it would cause.
Dancing could be perilous for other dancers when I step onto the dance floor. The swinging ladder would have everyone ducking their heads for safety. The more agile would jump over the moving obstacle. Dancing the slosh with a ladder would wipe out half the village. A good idea would be to put the ladder on the floor and use it for a game of hopscotch. The women would love that. It would make a change from bingo.
Any light bulbs in the establishment that need changing could be fixed right away as there is a ladder at hand. All the men would want to climb the ladder because just as you never walk by a ball without kicking it you never walk past a ladder that is leaning on a wall without climbing it. You’d have a dozen men on it in no time. It would be like the evacuation from Saigon. A woman would quip “How many window cleaners does it take to change a light bulb?”
Be good if there were a Jacob in the room for obvious reasons. Going to the bar for a round of drinks is another adventure. The ladder could be used as a tray and all the pints delicately placed on the rungs. On tenterhooks; I’ve always wanted to write that. Manoeuvring back to our table with the inevitable spillage would evoke pleasant memories of a cackling Stuart Hall.
I would be Lord of the Toilet when it was time to visit the latrine. I’ve got the biggest one in here, I’d say to the ladderless man in the next stall. Drying my hands while trying to hold the steps is one I haven’t worked out yet. I could balance it on my knee and let it hang out the door.
Then the party is over and it’s time to call it a day. The ladder would be handy on the way home. If any of the drunken lads fell down a well help would be at hand. This is not as unusual an occurrence as you might think. I’ve lost count of the amount of men that have fell down a well after a night out. This time there’s no need for lassie. We’ve got ladder instead.
Boadicea's Chariot 
TR: Fancy dress do’s often bring out the worst in people, present company excepted of course. It seems someone always wants to arrive as Venus (usually a very large lady of mature years who should know better) or Ghandi (when the man in question is four or five times his best weight. If I wear my normal clothes I can do a pretty good Jethro and the first mate does a stellar Ellie May ( copyright “The Beverly Hillbillies”) but it’s really best left to the young and restless IMHO.
Regarding ladders carried by window cleaners, in my long distant youth they always came to a point at the top, (the ladder that is, not often the window cleaner) better for setting up against the mullions of windows I expect, but that is purely conjecture, does anyone remember this and know why it was?
PS A squeegy.
Squeegy. Thanks LW. See, who needs to google when you’ve got this place?
I’m now expecting incoming on my spelling of the plural of chamois. Chammies, maybe, as in jammies. Or Chamii, as the French say.
I thought that you were talking about us for a moment!
I couldn’t see the point of sitting in front of my keyboard in fancy dress, the children would think that I’m nuts! (Oops they think that anyway)
Then again ❓
Just might do it anyway, can I come as a tallish Jack Sparrow?
Anybody else keen?
JW, the plural of chamois is of course chamois’. 🙂
Good morning, JW. Counting down to us stuffing the Serbs at Hampden this afternoon. .
On the whole chamois controversy, I respectfully disagree with my fellow pedants from Denmark. The ‘ at the end is surely not necessary and it is simply chamois. More accurately, of course, the plural of a chamois is a herd.
I would have gone with the perfectly acceptable alternative in Jockspeak of ‘shammy’ although that might have sparked debate as to whether it conforms when pluralised and becomes ‘shammies’ or is irregular and goes with ‘shammys’.
Anyhow, the whole matter is academic anyway as you would never make it to the party. As you know, window cleaners in Scotland require to be licensed under the Civic Government (Scotland) Act 1981. Our ever vigilant polis would swoop on you to inspect your licence and you would be spending the night in the local tolbooth when you could not produce it. Imagine the threat to the citizenry if herds of unlicensed window cleaners and their chamois were allowed to roam free on the douce streets of Caledonia?
Added to which, you would be in more trouble for carrying an unlicensed ladder without evidence that you had the proper training in its safe use and knew, for example, that you could not use it for any height above two stories (or possibly storeys) of any building. I refer you to this extract from one of our local licensed and safety conscious cleaning companies:-
‘Health and safety whilst cleaning windows above the ground floor is a major concern. In the past ladders would have been used to climb to reach windows, and not only did this present a risk of falling, but it also meant that more time was spent moving up and down ladders than actually keeping your property clean!
We use a Reach and Wash extendable pole cleaning system to ensure both individual safety, and to provide you with a fast and effective service for your entire property.’
So, if you’re going to risk the unlicensed bit, I strongly recommend that you carry a Reach and Wash extensible pole instead of that dangerous ladder. You would, at least, still be Lord of Toilet with that bit of kit.
If in doubt about the plural of “shammy”, JM, call it a shammy leather – plural shammy leathers – as my mother always did.
Nice one Mr Royal.
(Oh, John, you made I larf with your response.)
HMm, remind me never to invite you to a party.
Agreed, all most amusing, thank you, JW and JM. 🙂