Topical Limericks this month
Julius Malema’s been given the boot
The firebrands influence is now worth nowt
Zuma, was oh so peeved
the committee agreed
and kicked the young idiot out
Topical? Extra points for topical!
I was initially compiling one about the unions scuppering the Olympics with their crazy wage demands but then this one fell into my lap yesterday.
No arguments about rhyming schemes please 😉
Multiple entries from members will be welcomed, each and every one will be considered in the final judging.
On a more serious note, if members of The Chariot Poetry Corner have not submitted at least one entry by 18th March (and I know who you all are) don’t be surprised if unusual errors start appearing in your various posts and comments, you have all had your ‘gap month,’ how difficult or time consuming can it be to string together a 5 line rhyme?
You have been warned 😉
Closing date Tuesday 20th March.
Boadicea's Chariot 
G’dag, Soutie, you laureate, you!
I have to object. Your limerick doesn’t scan. LW will be happy because his don’t either but purists can’t bear sloppy verses. Is the competition for non-scanning limericks or wha’? Just to be clear before we start.
According to Uncyclopedia
The only reliable media)
Some limericks are pure
But those ones are fewer;
The others are quite a lot seedier.
(score 4/10)
Howzit J, good morning
Scanning is optional 🙂
All entries will be considered, more points for content and raising a giggle than sticking strictly to the dum-de-dums
P’s and q’s are very important though (or should that be aa’s, bb’s and a’s ;))
Perhaps I’ll mark them as they come in, what do you think?
That way it’ll be a bit like a proper competition with entrants knowing where they stand at any given time and allow them a chance to submit another one, I think I’ll start with your first offering.
(It will be like the Grand National of limerick competitions!)
The standard of scansion on here
Is not up to scratch, do you hear?
More rigour, I beg
Please open a keg
And quaff several pints of strong beer
🙄
I like it (score 6/10)
#2 is not my own work! I borrowed it from Uncyclopedia.
Malema’s been given the boot
The fool is no longer a hoot
The ANC leader
Thinks him a bleeder
As do the Boers he would shoot.
Nice (score 5/10, 1pt deducted ’cause I’d already done Juju, even though yours is better than mine ;))
It’s a Jubilee year, I ween;
Dismiss all sentiments obscene.
It would be a great travesty,
Not to honour Her Majesty
And so let’s sing ‘God save the Queen’
nice & topical (score 5/10)
Low Wattage, last seen in Cwmbran
Wrote limericks that never would scan
The reason was heinous,
that just to annoy Janus,
he tried to pack more words into the last line than one possibly can.
(not all mine Soutie, a modified old one)
a great contribution but unfortunately nix points (score 0/10)
There was young lady from Berks.
Who went with her in-laws to Marks,
Sorry, Fortnums it was,
And purely because,
One receives rather classier perks.
I like this one but ‘Berks’ ‘Marks’ ‘perks’? (score 3/10)
In Brussels, Berlin and the Élysée
Euro leaders are taking the piss. They
Think Brits are all wets
And should pay off Greek debts
To them I say ‘see you next Tuesday.’
neat (score 5/10)
Windmills are never seen turning
Despite watermelons all yearning
The wind never blows
At the times that it snows
So let’s get all that gas burning!
In case anyone is unaware Watermelon = Green on the outside, red on the inside!
Great (score 5/10)
When asked had he ridden that mare,
The PM replied, “To be fair,
I may or may not,
As I’ve hacked on a lot;
Mostly breedy with copious hair.
thank you Bilby, more please
(score 4/10)(adjusted to 6/10 see comment 42)At Fortnums all the upper classes
(Like the three monarchic lasses)
Go along for the freebies.
I get heebie jeebies!
Give them to the starving masses!
a beaut, definitely a six but 1 point deducted ’cause Fortnums had been done earlier (score 5/10)
For Sipu:
I hope that your fertilised wife
Isn’t tempted to use her sharp knife
When she’s sick of your mania
And can’t quite containya
Excesses. She’ll just take your life!
‘containya’ luvit (score 3/10)
In attempting to rhyme, ‘upper class’
I see efforts that border on farce.
To all low order lasses
And men in your masses,
I assure you that class rhymes with bottom. (Edited by the author)
As for trying to match perk with a mark.
Dear lady, are you playing the lark?
Such rhyming is torrid
It made me almost florid.
But perhaps you’re an American clerk?
2 great contributions, I’ve scored them independently but still only get seven! (score 7/20)
But Sipu, how beastly and horrid,
To suggest that my verse is quite torrid
Do clerks live in Berks? I have to confess,
It’s a bit of a mess,
I’m now kinda scratching my forehead.
very good but… (score 2/10)
Some rhyme is quite forced,
Though poetic of course,
Depends of the reading,
Or merely one’s breeding
But certainly licence, perforce!
I like (score 5/10)
For Sipu:
You’ve been out of England too long.
Your old clarss and marss are just wrong.
It’s only the royals
(And their wannabe goils)
Whose pebble still sits on the tongue. (Which they also get ‘wrung’ – ‘tung’!)
It doesn’t matter if you think
That good old Auntie’s ideas stink.
He’ll be treading the boards
Among Euro-pop’s hordes –
Old Engelbert Humperdinck.
Very good Jay, couldn’t believe my ears when I heard they picked him, I thought the eurothingy was an opportunity for new talent! (score 6/10)
There was a young man called Davy
His politics were somewhat wavy
He’s buggered the poor,
The rich even more
He’s even buggered the navy!
I like (score 5/10)
And for balance:-
There was a loser called Ed
Who was apparently thick in the head
His best mates were fools
Especially Ed Balls
And his jokes went down just like lead.
I just hate pollies, as you might be able to tell 🙂
thanks Feeg, prefer the ‘Davey’ one (score 4/10)
There is a young Scotsman named Andy,
Whose tennis is sometimes just dandy.
Let’s hope he’ll celebrate
This evening after eight
In Dubai with McEwan’s bitter shandy.
Thank you Sheona, though I see he’s disappointed again (score 5/10)
I was hoping for one from TR
he’s about, I’ve seen his gravatar
perhaps about Rangers
non-payment of wages
or would that just be a bridge too far?
😎
Drat, I pronounce it Rangus which sort of rhymes but to prove my impartiality (score 1/10, see comment #26)
😥
And what about Mackie? I ask.
He’s usually up to the task.
I hope he’s not sick.
How’s this for a trick?
I’ll send him a single malt flask.
great idea
#24- Ers and es don’t rhyme. (1/10)
if you say so, 😥
There was a thrower called Ajmal
Saeed to be the best of them’al
Can do the doosras
And tease with teesras
Chucking them down like rainfall
I like it, thanks, points deducted for last years news not quite being ‘topical’ (score 4/10)
There’s really some terrible verse,
Which is published by those with the curse
Of the writers of pomes,
Who endure all the moans
Of those whose is clearly much worse.
Hat! Coat! Taxi!
OZ
Sums it up quite nicely, thank you (score 5½/10)
The first of three finals today
If rain doesn’t inhibit play
Sri Lanka may win
With pace, or with spin
Or the Aussies may throw it away.
very true, a good start I see (score 6/10)
The horse with the rider from Oz
Must be leading the field now, because
With leitmotif topical
And ambience tropical
Whatever was wanted, he was.
😀
Hee hee, noted (score 5/10)
A little aside – if you try the many rhyming dictionaries on the web, they all rhyme “because” as though it were pronounced “be-corze”; not one of them (that I found) recognises that it’s actually pronounced, by all and sundry, as “be-coz”. The only word I could find (apart from proper names like Oz) that truly rhymes with “because”, as spoken, was “was”, which is, of course, pronounced “woz”. Which is why I used it.
Can anyone find another, I wonder? 😕
Soutie
You might like to reconsider Araminta’s # 10. Since Berks does rhyme with Marks – yet another example of the oddities of English pronunciation. 🙂
Soutie – with reference to Araminta’s #10, and your comment therein.
Of course Berks rhymes with Marks!! It’s pronounced Barks in English-English. 🙄
In the same way as Derby is pronounced Darby (except in Strine and Yank).
Thanks BHO
Sipu’s #16 and Ara’s replies now make perfect sense (I had no idea what they were on about) 😳
Cos rhymes (I was originally thinking lettuce but there’s also the trig!)
Thanks, Soutie, I’d missed that. 🙂
Bearsy, you have raised a crucial issue of the rhyming kind: ‘because’. It is of course solved by using the Peloponnesian Split technique as follows:
I like to write limericks because
My uncle raised fluffy brown gos-
Lings…..etc, etc.
Young McIlroy’s squeeze, Carolinè, (pronounced Caroleena)
Has given up winning. We’ve seen ‘er
Progressive decline.
Does her love undermine
‘Er, when Rory’s grass grows still greener?
Very good Jay, though I did have to research Miss W (score 6 and a bit /10)
Ah yes, but “perks” does not 😦
Um, thank you, Boadicea (hope you are feeling better), Bearsy and FEEG.
It’s called poetic licence, innit? I didn’t intend to cause all this confusion: I thought it was rather, um, amusing. 😉
I won’t do it again, sorry. 😦
Don’t worry Ara, I am not being serious 🙂
What is wonderful about this post is that it is seriously unserious!
🙂
On the contrary, please do!
It’s discussions such as these that educate (well, educates me at least ;))
and…
I owe Bilby an apology, I’ve incorrectly scored her entry, I had no idea that there was a ‘scandal’ brewing about the PM riding somebody or other’s horse ’till well after I’d allocated points. (Talk about ‘topical’ it was almost before the fact!)
So, apologies to Bilby and a reassessment is in the offing 🙂
Hee hee, neither am I, FEEG. 🙂
The Pols. Have said it’s OK
For Ernie to wed his friend Ray
What’s PC for them
All RC’s now condemn,
for being a little too gay?
Yes, yes, thank you for an official entry (score 6/10)
Hee hee! No worries, Soutie. 🙂
The irony could not be any bigger;
Left-wing unions in-fighting. Go figure!
The cries were, ‘you’re racist’;
Accusations, the basest.
I must confess, ‘twas hard not to snigger.
The hardest bit was trying to punctuate. I am not sure I got it right at all. Advice on that front welcomed.
I thought I had trained Google Chrome to accept ‘snigger’, but it still wants to replace it with snugger.
Oh, read this: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/9120915/Trade-unionists-win-racist-monkey-cartoon-case.html
P.S. I am really not that unpleasant, I just think it is quite funny.
Thank you for the link, can’t help on the punctuation but I like the content (score just over 6/10)
Moved on to the correct thread.
France is playing Ireland again
Today in the wind and the rain.
The pitch is unfroze,
But nobody knows
Which team will end up in pain.
(score 4/10)
The default is happening next week.
Let’s indulge in everything Greek –
Retsina, moussaka,
Ouzo, soutzoukaka –
And drive Frau Merkel to pique.
This I like (score 6/10)
Members may have noticed that as contributions increase and the quality improves, not to mention that the mood of the judge varies from
day to dayhour to hour, that as the competition progresses and to prevent an entry being scored in excess of 10 points (i.e.17/10!) fractions of points are being awarded.This is fun 😎
Mayor Boris has got his new bikes
And new buses that everyone likes
His opponent is Ken
Who only cares when
He can add some extra tax hikes!
2012 London Mayoral Election That has to be worth at least 11/10!
One of my favourites so far (score just under 7/10)
The match is now over in France.
Ireland tried, but could not advance.
As one who loves rugger,
I could not feel smugger
‘Cos England is in with a chance.
(score 6/10)
To be champions they must now win the rest.
And France, please beat Wales I request.
Though to warrant such highs
England has to score tries
Thus may each kiss the rose on his chest.
Note only topical but informative, so England still have a chance? thanks for that (score almost a 7/10)
I vladimir swore at the telly,
At the antics of Machiavelli –
As practised in Russia
That is. Where they push yer
To make Putin Pres.,welly nelly.
I do have a problem reading those ‘Poppadom Splits’ of yours but I’m learning 😉 (score 6/10)
Hi J. Two Soviet ditties are better than one.
The oligarchs do the lootin’
KGB do the jackbootin’
The body politic
of Abramovich
Has voted to put Putin in
Abromovich topical in more ways than one these days (score 6/10)
Boo hoo! No score given for my #29 or #30. Sulk! 😥
sorted 😳
A topical and recursive entry:-
Charioteers are all writing rhymes
That don’t all quite work, sometimes
Soutie is scoring
Without being boring
And the prize is much more than dimes!
Boon, boom!
Hee hee, raised a giggle (5/10)
I hope your code is re-entrant! 😆
Factorials to you, sirrah !! 🙂
Four eye(d) equals one to en. 😀
Sorry, Bearsy. I mainly do python these days. 🙂
#!/usr/bin/python
# Recursive factorial function
# Without all the usual checks for n being a positive integer
def factorial(n):
if n == 1:
return 1
else:
return n*factorial(n-1)
for i in range(1,10):
print i
Whoops, formatting all gone awry. Return and print statements should be indented
Exactamundo!
Never mind the dialect, the structure’s identical Monty.
All Greek to me. 😦
Aye, aye, aye!
We know that Sarkozy has made
A million faux pas. He’s afraid
That the real French douleur
Is down to couleur:
He is calling a spade a spade!
Made me look up ‘douleur’ (6/10)
Should there be an extra beat in your line 4?
Back to the real business in hand:
There was an old geezer called Cable
Whose name is mentioned in fable
His job is to try
And make business fly
But it appears that he’s just not that able.
Perhaps my favourite to date (possibly 7/10)
There once was a woman named Merkel
Who took Europe through a vicious circle
When the continent was about to go crazy
France kicked out Sarkozy
And everyone admitted they were in a pickle.
On a street in San Francisco
It was not safe to go
The bums said give me more money
To the tourists from Germany
And they responded “no”, we already gave that to Diego!
Two wonderful contributions, topical and raised a laugh, unfortunately we’re stuck with The Creek Dwellers rhyming and scansion rules, Chapter 1 page 1 (4½/10)
In light of this http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/9139483/Marriage-is-best-for-raising-children-Government-says.html
May I offer this:
The Government has said that to procreate,
It is better for all to live with their mate.
By the Left, such ideas
Have been discounted for years,
But all Cs* can now start to celebrate.
*You can attach your own interpretation for ‘C’. Conservative, Christian, or that other C word, Catholic!
Thank you, wonderfully topical, I’m having a problem with the scansion, so unfortunately, no improvement for you (5½/10)
Rebeka said, ‘Hacking’s my thing’.
And Dave said, ‘I’ll give you a ring.’
He thought she meant ponies,
Not telling her cronies
To eavesdrop and that sort of thing.
(http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/phone-hacking/9140031/Rebekah-Brooks-and-her-husband-among-six-arrested-by-phone-hacking-police.html)
I’m scratching my head with this one, no ‘poppadom’ splits, easy to read, certainly topical (score 8/10)
I’m thinking of roasting some meat.
It really is quite hard to beat
the taste of a hock,
so I don’t give a fock
for tofu or lettuce to eat.
Boom, boom!
Red, red meat linky thingy
OZ
Whoops, posted this in the wrong place! 😦
Now for the final furlong to emphasis, yet again, my dislike of politicians, with reference to Gordon Brown’s virtual disappearance from Parliament since he lost the election:-
There was a PM called Brown
Who was an incapable clown
He is still an MP
But no-one can see
If he is ever in town!
When Barry asked Dave and the Brits
To dinner, he offered them grits.
Sam said to Michelle,
“The entrée was swell,
But don’t you think grits are the pits?”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2115161/British-stars-come-force-join-Camerons-Obamas-host-White-House-state-dinner-honour.html
I could think of another appropriate rhyme! 🙂
FEEG, yes! But only if you have a plunging neckline. 😮
Or a bad case of diahorrea.
OZ
OZ, 🙂 !
To save horses from harm, no more jumps.
Just run, nothing else (Forrest Gump).
But to stop some wild beasts
Being trophies or feasts,
Just three words will suffice: No more Trumps.
Oh yessss! Good one!
😀
OZ
Soutie, good evening from the grandstand overlooking the run to the finishing post and thanks for a thrilling race and a fine competition which has, in my opinion, been one of the best ever on the site. I await the steward’s decision with bated breath.
To not thank you for banishing greyness,
Would be an omission most heinous.
And, if there’s time yet,
To have a small bet?
It’s a pound on the noses of Janus.
‘