Perks of the job

Acting as a villain on an old episode of Kojak the other night was an actor that made my blood boil: Armand Assante. In his earlier film roles he always got to “date” beautiful actresses that I adored. Seeing him brought to book by the good lieutenant gave me a certain schadenfreude as I have unhappy memories of those pictures where he was kissing the face off of my girls. Naturally, those actresses have now weathered slightly but double A got to smooch with them in their prime. All the women are A+ and his first victim was also an AA.

Paradise Alley (1978) – Victim no.1-Anne Archer.
A very under-rated film that could possibly be Sylvester Stallone’s best. The story is about three brothers struggling to survive in Hell’s Kitchen. A lot of memorable scenes, particularly the arm-wrestling contest. Stallone goads the opposition. “Okay he ain’t no flaming wit guaranteed. But he can haul over four-hundred and fifty pounds of ice up five flights of stairs without blowing his breakfast. Can he do that?”
Both Stallone and Assante vie for Archer’s affections.

Private Benjamin (1980) – Victim no.2 -Goldie Hawn.
Most of you have probably seen this. Goldie Hawn at her loveliest although for me Eileen Brennan is hilarious as Goldie’s superior. As for Assante, well you know what kind of character he is when he wants Goldie to sign a pre-nup agreement. Could well be the first time this type of contract is mentioned in a film.

Rage of Angels (1983) – Victim no.3 – Jaclyn Smith
This was a TV mini-series rather than a film and starred, in my eyes, the most beautiful of Charlie’s Angels. Based on a book by Sidney Sheldon, Assante plays a Mafioso who woos Smith off her feet. When she warns him she’ll call a cop, he says. “What for? Do you want to see a cop beat up?”

So Assante got his wicked way with some my childhood sweethearts. It might only have been on celluloid, it still broke my heart. And, lo and behold, even on Kojak as a two-bit hood he was given a love interest. This time it was Candice Assara. I’m sure Candice will agree she wasn’t in the same stratosphere as the others.