Light Relief – things are getting too heavy

A graveyard on a summer’s night
The spectres dance in sheer delight
And down a moonbeam slides a ginger cat
In plimsolls and a paper hat

“I’m dead” he cried, “my name was Ben
“I had nine lives, and just spent ten.
“And now I am a ghostly cat
“In plimsolls and a paper hat.”

“Tell us then” the Spectres cried,
“The different ways in which you died!”
“Gather round me then”, said Ben
“And I’ll tell you where, and when.”

“The first time, I fell down the well
“No one near to hear me yowl.”
“How did you escape?” they said,
“When you’d been given up for dead?”

“Ah ha! I found a bucket.” said the cat
“And so I went to sleep in that.
“Then, a local farmer’s daughter
“Pulled it up to get some water.
“Lucky to escape from that!
“In plimsolls and a paper hat.”

“The second time is still quite clear
“I found a fish head on the pier
“And took it in my mouth with glee
“Then someone threw it in the sea.
“They were using it as bait – I really thought I’d met my fate.”
“How did you escape?” They said,
“When you’d been given up for dead?”

“I met a catfish in the sea
“Who rather liked the look of me,
“And pulled me by my ginger tail
“To the shore, all cold and pale.
“Lucky to escape from that!
“In plimsolls and a paper hat.”

“The third time nearly was my end.
“Upon a rooftop with a friend,
“I slipped into the chimney pot,
“And down towards my doom I shot.”
“How did you escape?” they said,
“When you’d been given up for dead?”

“But for the soot, I would have died.
“They had a chimney sweep inside,
“And as his brush swept up the flue,
“Back I popped, as good as new. Wheee!
“Lucky to escape from that!
“In plimsolls and a paper hat.”

“Fourth time in a castle cellar,
“I met a rat, enormous fella!”
“Each eye redder than a ruby.
“Was I frightened? Wouldn’t you be?”
“How did you escape?” they said,
“When you’d been given up for dead?”

“I hid behind a wooden log,
“And howled and barked just like a dog.
“You should have seen him run!
“I chased him half a mile, for fun.
“He never knew I was a cat
“In plimsolls and a paper hat.”

“The fifth time, on an evening stroll
“I came across a rabbit hole,
“And being curious, popped inside
“And sitting there, a fox I spied!”
“How did you escape?” they said,
“When you’d been given up for dead?”

“I said ‘My dear fox, I’ve just come here
“‘To tell you that the hunt is near.'”
“‘Thank you, cat” the fox replied,
“‘But for you, I might have died.’
“‘I have a friend for life, a cat
“‘In plimsolls, and a paper hat.'”

“The sixth time was on Beachy Head
“Sleeping on a disused bed.
“When I awoke, I went quite stiff,
“For I was falling o’er the cliff!”
“How did you escape?” they said,
“When you’d been given up for dead?”

“I got four corners of the sheet
“And held on with my hands and feet,
“And as the cliff was out of reach,
“I parachuted to the beach!
“Lalalalalala-la-la, lalalalalala-la-la…
“Lucky to escape from that!
“In plimsolls and a paper hat.”

“The seventh time was in a house.
“The owner hoped I’d catch a mouse.
“He said that’s all I’d get to eat!
“Alas, there were no mice to meet.”
“How did you escape?” they said,
“When you’d been given up for dead?”

“The doors were locked! I nearly died!
“Then a paintpot I espied.
“Jumped in his bedroom painted white,
“He yowled and ran into the night!
“Lucky to escape from that
“In plimsolls and a paper hat!”

“Eight and nine lives lost together
“In a nasty bout of weather
“For in the hail and sleet and rain
“I was swept off down a drain.”
“How did you escape?” they said,
“When you’d been given up for dead?”

Lost down below a London street,
“A great big turtle did I meet!
“Been in drains since he was small
“And knew his way around them all.”
“You were lucky to escape from that,
“In plimsolls and a paper hat.”

“And now we come to number ten
“Which really was the end of Ben.
“I caught the cat flu – how, don’t ask it
“And died whilst sleeping in my basket.
“Now all my lives are gone,” he said,
“Alas, at last, I’m really dead!”
Then up the moonbeam climbed the cat
In plimsolls and a paper hat.