TGIF

Jokes to share, some oldies here.

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife,43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind. 🙂

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse,I’ll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone.What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar.

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

10 thoughts on “TGIF”

  5. I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
    There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
    trying to exchange yen for dollars.
    It was obvious she was a little irritated … . She asked the
    teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
    Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”
    The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”
    The Asian lady replied, “Fluc you white people too”

  10. A fine mix, Toc. Thanks for the laughs. Somebody told me this one tonight. I’m not sure if it’s an oldie or not.

    This man is speeding at 130 MPH on the motorway. He is pulled over by a rookie cop.
    “You were doing 130. I’ll have to charge you.” says the cop.
    “Well, seeing as you’ve caught me I might as well tell you there’s a dead body in the boot and a gun in my glove compartment.” says the driver.
    The cop is naturally perturbed and phones his Sergeant who says he’ll come over. Soon the Sergeant arrives and checks the boot. Nothing. Then he checks the glove compartment. Nothing.
    “My colleague told me you said there was a body in the boot and a gun in the car.” says the Sergeant. The driver replies.
    “Did he tell you that? He probably told you I was speeding as well.”

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