The global jihad enrols fast bowlers

Here’s an article from a columnist in my regular Sunday read, I either love his stuff or hate it, I enjoyed this one and thought that you may too!

Al-Qaeda has claimed responsibility for the explosive betting scandal that has virtually destroyed the reputation of international cricket.

In a taped message broadcast by Al Jazeera yesterday, Osama bin Laden said that Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Amir had been trained as fast bowlers at a secret cricket camp in southern Afghanistan before being sent to play against England.

“Because of Britain’s continued support for Israel and its backing of American imperialism, we have struck a deadly blow against something that is very precious to our enemy,” said Bin Laden, speaking from inside what appeared to be a cave.

He described the two Pakistani pacemen as “true martyrs” who had sacrificed themselves by deliberately bowling no-balls at stages predetermined by underground al-Qaeda operatives in London.

Bin Laden said the British worshipped cricket “more than they do their own royal family” and that bringing the sport into disrepute was a “major victory for the global jihad”.

“Cricket is a religion for the English. Therefore, cricket must be crushed,” he said.

Bin Laden said cricket – and therefore England – would never recover from “this devastating blow”. He said doubt would forever be cast on “all players of this evil game” and that it would soon die out. “This will mark the beginning of the end for the English empire,” said Bin Laden. “Without cricket, England is nothing but trees and rain and infidels with bad teeth.”

He denied that Test captain Salman Butt was involved in the operation. “Butt is not a good Muslim name. We suspect that he is a double bloody agent.”

Asked to comment on Bin Laden’s statements, world cricketing boss Haroon Lorgat said the claims were “laughable”. “For a start, that’s not Bin Laden. I’ve seen the tape. Do you even know what Osama looks like?”

Lorgat said the man on the tape was “probably Kevin Pietersen”.

He pointed out that the selectors had dropped Pietersen from the one-day and Twenty20 sides. “Did you see what he said on Twitter? The man is incoherent with rage. It’s just like him to go off and sulk in a cave and pretend to be the world’s most-wanted terrorist,” said Lorgat.

“If you look closely, you can see the beard slipping off his face. And that AK47? Any idiot can see it has been carved from a cricket bat.”

Lorgat said Pietersen was “looking for attention and should best be ignored”.

British Prime Minister David Cameron has condemned the spot-fixing attack.

“These terrorists have struck at the very heart of civilisation,” the young PM said.

“It was we English who started cricket and, by God, we will be the ones to end it. It is an ideal worth dying for.”

Meanwhile, a newsagent living in Croydon has been taken in for questioning. As he was led away by heavily armed members of Britain’s crack anti-terrorism unit, 53-year-old Rushme Bumjee said: “It’s because I’m Pakistani, isn’t it?”

Link to Ben Travota’s column