Shoedown at Horseless Gulch (August C/W2)

The beautiful brunette was sashaying down the street oblivious to the stir she was creating: men were falling off ladders, walking into lampposts, filling in crosswords wrong; the smokers outside The Draughty Lum were toppling like dominoes; bin men, dumbfounded, found that they had lost their inherent ability to whistle. The lady’s journey took her past two young men who went by the aliases of Dutch and Beandance.

“She fancies me.” said Dutch.

 “And how do you work that out?” asked a puzzled Beandance.

 “Did you notice when she passed, a scuffing noise?”

“What about it?”

“Let me enlighten you on one of the world’s least known secrets, Beandance. When a girl passes by a boy and momentarily loses her step, making a scuffing noise, it means she is attracted to the boy. She tried to remain calm but nerves got the better of her and she dragged her feet when she went past. Therefore, she finds me desirable.”

“Are you sure about that? I think I scuffed my shoe there.”

“I’ll tell you another little in-thing about love. Give me your hand.”

“No way.”

“Trust me. You’ll like this. This is educational, kid.”

Reluctantly, Beandance became a miserable cur that gives a paw to an overbearing master; his hangdog expression in complete contrast to Dutch’s amiable banter. They lassoed their hands in a non-committal pact that had no sexual connotations in it whatever. Then Dutch tickled Beandance’s palm.

“What are you doing?”

“Beandance, listen up a minute. When you take a girl’s hand and tickle it, you’re signalling intent. If she tickles back, she wants to make love to you.”

“Is that right?” smiling at his friend, Beandance never knew when Dutch was being serious. “You keep thinking, Dutch, that’s what you’re good at.”

Still holding hands, the two lads rounded the corner and came face to face with the notorious gang of brigands, six in number, known as the Gatlin Boys. The biggest and fiercest of the Gatlins, Tenement Gatlin, welcomed them into his territory.

“Hah, a pair of Queens. When’s the big day, ladies and can we…kick the brides”

The Gatlins laughed but they stopped laughing when Beandance let go off Dutch’s hand and uttered a phrase which was particular to his family.

“I’ve jumped over bigger to get to a fight.”

Now Tenement Gatlin was a towering six foot four in his cowboy boots and an also impressive six foot two in his slippers. He scratched his ear, rearranging the wax and thought, was this Beandance for real or was it false bravado? A tense stand-off ensued, an uneasy silence broken only by the rustling crisp packet of Tex Gatlin. Dutch’s courage was soon revealed, when he made the sobering remark.

“Kid, I never fought anyone before.”

“One hell of a time to tell me.”

With telepathic instinct, or probably as a last resort, Dutch and Beandance bolted like horses. The Gatlins were in pursuit and dust was flying everywhere. To stop their advance, Dutch knocked over a box of nails a joiner had left outside a shop. This brought back childhood memories of watching Laurel and Hardy’s Beau Hunks during the holiday period. This had a memorable scene of spilled nails injuring the barefooted Riffian tribesmen. Slapstick didn’t work this time, as was said earlier, the Gatlins were booted.

The galloping Gatlins were closing in on them. Beandance had to be pushed along as he now wanted to fight them but he was overruled by his friend‘s cowardice. Dutch spotted an escape route.

“Head for that bus, Beandance.”

“We’ll never get there on time. It’s ready to move away, once that old lady gets off.”

“We will. That step is one giant leap for an old woman.”

The old lady was disembarking at the speed of dark. In her eyes the pavement was as far away as Mars. Holding on to a rail she dipped her toes into the air and snailed off the edge of the bus.

“Jump. Whoo-ooo-aaa.”

In a split second, the old woman met terra firma, the doors closed shutting out the Gatlins and Dutch and Beandance landed head first in the passageway of the coach. It took them some time to disengage their bodies, locked in a non-sexual embrace, and become aware of the only passenger on board: the beautiful brunette. She looked at them lying dishevelled in the dirt with their shoes all scuffed.