‘Well since we’ve got this rain delay at the Auchinleck and District Ladies’ Bowling League relegation play-off semi-finals, we’ll just nip over to our Radio Jockland commentator, Jock Scunner, to see if anything is happening at that game in South Africa. Aye weel, Jock?’
‘Aye weel, Weir! You join us with 30 seconds to go in extra time, after which it will be penalties when we will, hopefully, get the usual happy ending. We’ve got a lengthy injury delay at the moment, with Crouch receiving treatment for altitude sickness. Given that Soccer City Stadium is over 5,700 feet above sea level, it was always going to be a mistake to play the skinnymalink in the first place, in my opinion – there can’t be much oxygen up there even for for his big neb.
Still, it gives me some time to describe the scene. Away to my right I can see the massed ranks of the magnificent Brazilian fans. Happy, flag-waving, samba-loving extroverts dancing the time away in true carnival style as they await the victory which any true football fan would wish them.
To my left, Them. Admittedly there are quite a few of Them and They pretty well pack Their end except for one small spot where wee Gordon Broon is sitting forlornly, wearing his Raith Rovers top and clutching his flag of St George. When he took his seat all the fans around him got up and moved away, so he’s really Mr No Mates now as Lord Mandy is at the other end with his chum.
The score is 2 all with two scintillating strikes born on the sands of the Copacabana from the Brazilian maestros. I personally think that both penalties were deserved. In the one case, only a purist would argue that you can’t give a penalty if the tackle is outside the box and in the other, it’s just nit-picking to say that the officials failed to spot that the player was 10 yards offside when he got the ball. Goes a bit of a way to make up for that venal, purblind and incompetent tosser of a Russian linesman in 1966, as far as I am concerned.
They managed to get back into the game with two outrageous strokes of fortune. Gerrard scored with an aimless 35 yard toe poke which the goalie would surely have saved had it not been for the fact that it chanced to fly into the top right corner of the net where he could not reach it. Then Rooney went off on a futile 40 yard run where he luckily managed to stumble past six defenders before rounding the goalie and walking the ball into the net. He’s just a big show off and I think the Brazilian defender was quite right to take that wee hack at him which the referee never noticed and which resulted in him being carried off thus reducing Their chances even further. That brought Heskey on. He has already done valuable service for the cause by crippling Rio Ferdinand in training and there’s no way he’ll score.
Crouch is still receiving treatment so just let me remind you that, when the Brazilians win, it will be a triumph for Scotland. As we all know, the game was brought to Brazil by Charles Miller, son of a Scots engineer. Charles founded the first teams and league in Brazil and there is a square in Sao Paulo named after him.
He is also, of course, in the Hall of Fame of the Society for Asserting Scottish Superiority (SASS) along with all the other weel kent names such as Burns, Hume, Smith, Macadam, Dunlop and Susan Boyle. And, in an exclusive, I can now reveal that the SASS’s English National Activities Countermeasures Hardmen have failed in their secret attempt to make sure that They would never win the World Cup properly and without cheating. SASSENACH spotted in the late 1990’s that They were getting quite good at the game and planted a sleeper. Tom McKechnie from Dumbarton was made kit manager by Kevin Keegan.
SASSENACH activated Tom last night. Early this morning, he was in the act of putting the itching powder in the jockstraps when he was caught red-handed by David Beckham coming back into the dressing room. He had been out on the pitch wearing the full Them strip and pretending to score the winning goal.
Still it doesn’t matter. The game’s kicked off again and there’s only one last chance for Them before we get the penalties and the satisfyingly heart-breaking result for the Southrons. The ball’s with Heskey so we’re quite safe.
Aw No, No, No , No, No! Tell me that goal didnae happen. How could that useless streak of pish manage to dae that? That’s another forty years of hurt for Auld Scotia then. I’m awa’ to get blootered and I’ll hand you back to Weir Doomed at Auchinleck.’
Boadicea's Chariot 
😀 Good one JM.
Excellent though I’m disappointed that you spell Raith Rovers without the “w.” I liked to think of them as a pack of ghostly hounds.
Very good. I like it.
🙂
JM, you have read “Ye mind Jie Dee, Fletcher?” by George MacDonald Fraser in “The Complete McAuslan”, haven’t you? You are a worthy successor, albeit from Edinburgh.
Very topical John, and a good read. The fact that I did not understand what you are on about, did not detract one iota. 🙂
I’m waiting to hear from you that it was a Scot who invented the vuvuzela, at least we’d know who to blame 😉
Actually I rather like them, they were banned from Newlands today for our test against France, as they say there’s a time and a place for everything!
Evenin, JM – Thank you for a good read. including the comments.
Soutie – Any country that can invent (and love) bagpipes should be right at home with the vuvuzela. It was probably the same bloke wot done it.
🙂
OZ
JM I’ve just realised the significance of the ASL reference for the stadium. That will only make Ferret all tumescent (again).
😦
OZ
OZ, sole purpose of reference, having seen Ferret’s disqualification of Janus. And, to save him having to check on Auchinleck, it is 462 feet above sea level.
It was enjoyable to write this for the Creative Writing Challenge even although I realised that your own entry is, in my opinion, unbeatable.
JM – Stage bow from The Cave. Auchinleck is well above Blackpool ASL and easily meets Ferret’s requirements, 0-200 ft. Just get a “secret” in there and I think you have it cracked.
🙂
OZ
OZ, don’t tell a soul but I think that you will find that that is covered in the fourth last paragraph?
Just finished watching Scotland beating a Southern Hemisphere country at rugby, which is more than certain other countries managed today. Admittedly it was only Argentina but I’m off to bed a happy man nonetheless.
Sleep the sleep of the just, JM.
Nighty night
OZ
Lang may yer lum reek JM.
A more than valid entry which ticks every box. That makes three entries and one disqualification, no prizes for guessing who didn’t tick the ASL box. 😉