For Isobel’s Cat

Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by
some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby
scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good
reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case
of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of
the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position
as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as
possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any
counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the
maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and
ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for
her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and
will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come
along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the
speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within
the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment
times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he
can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to
the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the
mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the
amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the
amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape
velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter