Life in the Centre Lane

Sometimes, my job is not too bad.

Thought I’d write a bit about life, the universe and everything. Been knocking abround this old world for close on sixty years and, though I moved out of the slow lane many years ago, I can’t say that I really live in the fast lane, apart from the odd time when I pull out, cruise along at speed for a bit, then drop back again 🙂

Some of the things I’ve learned; all women use your full name when they are telling you off. And they all do that thing where they cock one hip higher than the other and put their hands on their hips palm-out while they’re reminding you of all your faults and how you’re always doing that! Even if the last time you did it was ten years ago. So much for the racists and religious fanatics. Doesn’t matter where you come from or what foot you kick with, trying to face down an angry woman who’s half your size shows that we’reall the same stock.

All women are beautiful. Men, if you know a woman who you think is not that beautiful, try one of two things; tell her she is, or give her a red rose, and watch what happens.

When you’re trying to get into a woman’s knickers, politeness and good manners beat a smooth chat-up line every time.*

The vast majority of women actually like men – they just don’t want them around all the time.

However, when they do want you around, you’d better be there.

If a woman forgets her wedding anniversary just once, you’re bomb-proof for life.

If you’re a man, it’s always your fault, learn to live with it – and buy flowers.

Things you should never say to a woman…………………

‘No, the dress is fine, it’s your fat that’s making you look fat.”

“Yes, dear, I’ll do it tomorrow.”

“Oh, have you had it done then?” (Talking about her hair.)

“I don’t need to ask directions!” …………………..I’m sure you can think of a few more…….. Ladies?

* I was married for 23 years. This item refers to ‘before,’ and ‘after.’

17 thoughts on “Life in the Centre Lane”

  4. bravo
    How about when a woman buys you two neckties? You put one on and she says “So what’s wrong with the other one then?

  8. All women feel as though their man is not *listening* to them?

    Hearts to ALL on Valentine’s Day, by the way…this seems an appropriate discussion in which to posit that thought.

    Bravo, I know you are a religious guy, so here is an alternative (Native American Tribal) creation myth that has great appeal to women. You may or may not find this a useful addition to your…er, repetoire. ;^D :

    “When the First Woman, or Sky Woman, was happy with this world Creator sent First Man down to help take care of his creation. First man and First Woman were now husband and wife. They were happy and all things were good, but as in all good things bad will come and First Woman and First Man began to fight and argue.

    Harsh words were said on both sides, and finally the wife said that she was leaving. Grabbing a few belongings, she began walking away from First Man. “I am going to find another place to live,” she told her husband, “You are lazy and pay no attention to me.” In a short time, the husband regretted his harsh words and tried to find his wife so he could apologize. Eventually, he realized that she was too far ahead, and he prayed to the Creator to help him. “Slow her down, Creator, so that I might tell her how much she means to me,” he asked. “Is her soul one with yours?” Creator asked. First Man replied “We have been one since the beginning of our time. We have been one since you have breathed life into our souls and we shall remain one until the end of time itself.”

    Touched by the man’s anguish, the Great Spirit intervened. Seeing the way First Woman was walking he began to make plants grow at her feet to slow her down. To one side grew the blackberries and to the other grew huckleberries, but still she walked on. Again he made the plants grow and to one side grew the gooseberries and to the other grew the service berries, but still she walked on. The Creator knew that this would have to slow her down and so he went to his garden and grabbed a handful of strawberry plants and threw them to the Earth.

    When they landed at First Woman’s feet they began to bloom and ripen, First Woman looked down to see the beautiful leaves and berries of the strawberry plant and stopped to taste just one small berry. As she plucked and ate the berries she forgot her anger. Finding a basket among her belongings, she quickly filled it, and longed for her husband once more. First Man, hurrying on his way, was surprised to see his wife returning, and oh! how his heart did soar. She was smiling! She dipped her hand into her basket, and got a berry and placed it in his mouth. He smiled foolishly, and gave thanks to the Creator. Taking his hand, his wife led him back down the path to their home, feeding him strawberries on the way. ~ Cherokee legend “

  9. marinaid

    “All women feel as though their man is not *listening* to them?”

    They’re quite right because often we’re not.
    It has to do with the preservation of sanity.

    You’ve heard the old joke haven’t you?

    Q Why do women Knit?

    A “…………………………………..talking”.

  10. Marinaid, I actually knew that story – or, at least, half-remember it mixed up with some other Native American* creation myths. Nice story and as good as any other – better than some, in fact.

  11. I haven’t heard this one, Jazz. “To pace their talking?” “It beats talking?” I give up; tell me why.

  13. Bravo22c, what could that mean then? Full name…

    difficult to say with tongue in cheek.

    (PS did you ever edit the story?)

  14. Pseu. I have to confess, No. I have been up to my ears in it for the last couple of months and I haven’t been able to summon up the enthusiasm… but I will.

Add your Comment