Rugby is a game for men that can’t play football. The ability to cushion a ball with the instep, bend it with the outside of the foot or run fast with the ball under control-and changing direction- is beyond the capabilities of the lumbering brutes of the queer-shaped ball game.
Before I continue I admit to not having a wide knowledge of rugger and possibly some of the things in this essay could be countered by more learned gentlemen. The following is points based on my limited time spent watching the “ugly” game.
Rugby was invented by those kids that were last picked when games of football were arranged. Last picked is always first to go in goal (them’s the rules) and legally allowed to handle the ball, these players, fed up with the ridicule of being last picked, formed their own game. Rugby is a game created by goal keepers for the downtrodden last pickers of this world.
Through the ages the rugby players inability to kick the ball is still in evidence. At conversations or free kicks (I’m not versed in the terminology but you know what I mean), all the kicker has to do is chip the ball over the bar and inside the posts. This would be a cinch for a footballer; no goalkeeper and a huge area to aim at. Yet some ruggeristas miss their kick! Incredible.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that they kick the ball the wrong way. They always place the ball in a standing up to attention style. Would it not be better to lay it flat? This would give them more ball on foot when kicking and therefore more control.
It seems that the scoring of a try is a dying art. Again, this amazes me. You have the whole breadth of the park to score in. What is difficult about that? All you need to do is follow the example of Barcelona and pass, pass, pass until an opening beckons and VILLA! There’s your try. Not very trying, is it?
As I’ve brought up the second best football team in the world, Barcelona, let’s be hypothetical for a moment. I’ve said this elsewhere and I’m sure Soutie and I had a disagreement.
Imagine Barca v the best rugby team, whoever the Dickens that might be, I don’t know, Barbarians or Savages, and they played a game of football with all the association rules: 11 a side etc. Barcelona would win by a cricket score 123-0.
The following week the two teams played at rugby with all the rules of the game of push and pull: 15 a side? Xavi, Iniesta and Messi with the ball in their hands would be a rugby Harlem Globetrotters. The Visigoths wouldn’t get near the ball. I predict 42-0.
The pantomime that is nothing more than orchestrated wrestling should be banned and the players should get back in goals where they belong.
One thing that I did find illuminating was the cheating at line-throws before the snap. As the shyer prepares to throw the ball down the gauntlet, one of the players gets a lift from a team-mate and using this height advantage flicks the ball back to his side. I will ask the coach at my local amateur football side if he will practice this drill at corner-kicks. This could be called the acrobat header.
To Follow: The case against golf.
Boadicea's Chariot 
Very amusing, but totally @rse-about-face. Soccer is a silly game played by nancy boys who cry when they trip up while Rugby Football is a sport played by real men and is without doubt the nearest thing to perfection as far as contact sports go. I wont hold your misconceptions against you. It is difficult to break the mould of corrupted youth. I think we are much more likely to see eye to eye when it comes to your essay on golf!
Morning Sipu,
Firstly may I just say that I find you one of the most erudite bloggers on here. I am not joking when I say this. I am a slow typer (typist?) and find it hard to put into words my thoughts on the “serious” issues so I stay clear of them and watch from the sidelines; too many of them escalate into warfare. In the majority of cases I find myself in agreement with you and in future I will try to say so.
Meanwhile, who you callin’ a nancy boy?
You have my deepest sympathy for your poor upbringing. 🙂
I think you will find that most talented rugby players are also highly proficient at the round ball game, but prefer to play with real men. I know I was and did. In fact, Rugby players tend to be fitter and faster than soccer players.
Thanks TR. My opinion of football players has improved immeasurably! 😉
Aye weel, JW.
Another sparkling contribution from you, but also a total pile of keech, of course. Take for example, the BBC ‘Sporting Superstars’ series:-
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/tv_and_radio/superstars/2959150.stm
Dispassionate perusal of the tables shows that the rugger gentlemen regularly outperformed the soccer players in the dear old days of ‘shamateurism’. The modern, fully professional rugby players would be miles ahead of their football equivalents in terms of fitness, speed and ball skills.
I take your point that said footballers are perfectly competent at putting the ball over the bar. Step forward Dixie Deans!
You don’t have to watch very much of it. He slots the ‘conversation’ at about 30 seconds in. For seasons afterwards, opposing fans greeted him with ‘Dixie Deans, Superstar. How many yards was it over the bar?’ to the Lloyd Webber tune.
Thanks for sharing ‘shyer’. I presume that only you, I and possibly Sheona and cwj know what you are talking about. When did we lose the word? I remember Bob ‘Brain of Britain’ Crampsey and Arthur ‘Stramash’ Montford regularly referring to the shy line and then it just seemed to vanish. Eheu fugaces as we rugger chaps would say.
I await your excoriation of golf with interest. I once had a hole in one you know. North Berwick West par 3 10th. 153 yards from the white tees on December 27th 1988. Feathered 7 iron into a slight left to right breeze. Landed on the front of the green behind the cross bunker and then appeared in sight rolling straight up to the hole and dropping gently in. The whisky in the celebratory hip flask was Glenmorangie.
I don’t remember much about it after all these years, of course, but if you’re interested, I’ll make the effort to tell you about it.
I got off quite lightly there. Expected more of a backlash. Still.
Thanks Jay Emm (© Ferret) for the Deans miss. Always joyous to see infallibility from the Romans. 😉
The school I attended had a rugby team and football team. The rugger guys were from posh families and had some money behind them or pretended to have money, I don’t know. Anyway, the footie stars hated it when the PE lesson was rugby. Basic skills were taught and then a “sidey” organised. During one of these games the rugby captain was on a dribble and demonstrated a hand-off to an opposing player. Trouble was the receiver of the hand-off was a tough gang leader from one of the schemes. The captain took a few sore right-handers before the teacher intervened.
Sorry, never ever liked this pointless game.
credo quia absurdum est
Hi Jay Dubya (probably c in a circle Ferret). I see that we are moving on to a different intellectual plane with your ‘credo quia absurdum est’ gambit. So it’s obvious to me that you must have played rugger at some point in your life.
Just for the avoidance of doubt, are we talking fideism or existentialism here?
Glad to see that you agree that the Dixie Deans blooter is a total joy. But then, I did think that you just might.
As a chess player, I’m definitely a FIDEist.
Yeah, I did have a few games at the old comprehensive. Strictly PE lessons and no official games against any grammars or anything like that. Normally it was six weeks of one particular sport then the lesson moved on to a different one. I do remember scoring a wonderful try.
I picked the ball up on first down at our six yard box, shimmied past the scrum-half then dummied the fly-half who wasn’t half as fly as me. Moving on I avoided the props that the stage hands left lying about. Now the only thing between me and glory was the hooker. No Passaran, said the hooker. That’s me to a tee. I never pass, I’m a greedy so and so. I nutmegged the hooker and scored. A try. Did I ever tell you I was brilliant at rugby? One day I must mention it.
P.S- Like the superstars link. Great programme. Check out 1978-3rd/ Andy Irvine.
Now, there’s a player.