Home > General > This week’s Spectator.

This week’s Spectator.

It’s almost worth getting this week’s Spectator for the competition. I’ve copied some of it below.

Competition: Open and shut case Lucy Vickery.

In Competition No. 2908 you were invited to submit a comically appalling opening to an imaginary novel. Thanks are due to the inventor of the annual Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest from whom I have pinched the idea for this challenge (Edward Bulwer–Lytton is often described as ‘the worst writer in history’). It was a pleasure to wade through your florid, convoluted prose, over-elaborate metaphors and inconsequential tangents. Dishonourable mentions go to Bill Greenwell for an opening composed entirely of hashtags and to C.J. Gleed. The best of the worst earn their authors £25 each. The bonus fiver is Edward Gilbert’s.

Inspector Falcon Foot was an experienced murder investigator. He had seen it all in his long and distinguished career. This case felt very familiar. A body lay cold on the beach, barely a world-class javelin throw from the morning tides, which foamed softly like partially flat, inferior lemonade. Foot examined the corpse carefully. He could see that the man had not died peacefully in his sleep. Aside from the compression marks on the neck, the irises of the victim were like those of a Pacific chinook salmon that had swum up the Sacramento river, made it beyond Red Bluff but had expired from exhaustion before Battle Creek after numerous near-misses with natural predators (excluding the now-extinct Californian grizzly bear). Foot lifted his handset and spoke to his colleague. ‘Dead body,’ he said, laconically. He clicked the receiver off. He raised his eyebrows resignedly, reflecting on the banality of evil.

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Categories: General
  1. July 30, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    Que?

  2. July 30, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    Te he he.

  3. July 30, 2015 at 8:19 pm

    Hi jazz.

    I signed up for the ‘Spectator’ when they offered the ‘ 6 copies for £1’ in the run up to the recent electoral triumph for us Tories.

    Not that it was a total triumph if one is a Jock Tory. I was, to be blunt, a wee bit depressed by the fact that 56 SNP scumbags managed to trickle down their fetid paths of slime into the chamber of the House of Commons.

    Whatever! Spectator-wise, I am now on the full £30+ a month now and not regretting it.

    Even better value now that you have drawn my attention to the Competition section. Over which I had, until now, skimmed.

    See Janus and his ‘Que’ nonsense? He’s just jealous that he can’t enter, due to not being one of us. In my opinion.

    Doesn’t make him a bad person, of course.

  4. July 30, 2015 at 8:30 pm

    My advanced years, my Englishness and my nondom status all preclude me from being one of you. 😛

  5. July 30, 2015 at 10:38 pm

    Haw Janus. You are not that advanced comparative age-wise. Obviously, you are far more English than I would ever want to be but, with respect, neither that nor your Nondomness are relevant, in my opinion. to my comment.

    My barb was directed at what I believed to be your relative lack of non-Left of Centre Spectator-reading credentials. I think of you as a kind of ‘New Statesman’,’Independent’, sort of guy who might be slightly less than comfortable in the fuggy and libertarian warmth of ‘The Spectator’, even if you had a chance of winning any competition. I could. of course, be wrong.

    In which case, my apologies.

  6. July 30, 2015 at 11:51 pm

    Hi John Mackie

    A kindle subscription to the Speccie is only £2.99 per month. I have the kindle app on my iPad and Samsung tablet and can read the Spectator (or anything else I have on kindle) on either device…in full colour and no ads.

  7. July 31, 2015 at 2:07 am

    JM, thirty quid a month for the rag would certainly drive me to the left!

  8. July 31, 2015 at 8:18 am

    Spectator subscription £12 for first twelve issues and then £34.50 for every thirteen issues plus web access etc.
    I’m happy with my Amazon kindle deal which is cheaper than the Speccie initial promotion.

  9. July 31, 2015 at 10:59 am

    Jazz, one of you Speccies pays thirty a month, allegedly. I’m SO jealous! 😜

  10. July 31, 2015 at 11:57 am

    Have you been at the bottle ?

  11. July 31, 2015 at 3:16 pm

    See JM 8.19 pm above. I’m such a tease. 😑

  12. August 1, 2015 at 7:26 pm

    Good evening jazz. Flushed with confusion.

    Don’t tell Janus but I appear to have been slightly over-excited by my recent entry pass into the Aladdin’s Cave of libertarian delights that is, in my opinion, the ‘Spectator.’

    I blame the Bank of Scotland online site (and Alex Salmond). Said site assured me that I had signed up for a monthly tribute of £34.50 to join the ‘Spectator”s happy band. On checking, I see that they last stuck me for this sum on 1st June of this year. It is, therefore, clearly a quarterly subscription and not monthly.

    Maybe I should have gone for an ‘Economist’ subscription instead to try to get up to speed with sums and things?

    Whatever, it’s a cracking competition for next month, isn’t it?

  13. August 1, 2015 at 9:01 pm

    Backside avers that such competitions tend to encourage plagiaristic tendencies. But you know how he is.

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