It’s the pain, doctor.
Where exactly, Janus?
Just here (pointing to heart).
And when do you get it?
Whenever I watch English teams play.
So it’s home-sickness then, the call from home?
No. That’s a sweeter feeling, like hearing I’m to be a grandpa for the 10th time.
Congratulations then! But back to the pain?
Yes. What’s the cure?
Get rid of the sports channels. Watch Danish tv. You’ll feel no emotion whatever and sleep extremely well. That’s the true meaning of ‘hygge’ (pron. hew- ga)!
Over in the Fens, at that inferior tech known among the cognoscenti as The Other Place, punting is under threat. ‘Elf and Softy are at work to render the extreme pleasure of messing about in flat boats totally anodyne.
If you have never tried navigating with the aid of a very long wet pole while standing on the rear end of an unruly craft, you can’t appreciate the sheer folly involved. A state of inebriation is the only guarantee of success – together with the presence of a beautiful young passenger of course, gazing admiringly at one’s prowess.
Punters henceforth will be breathalised before embarcation and warned that non-swimmers must wear life-vests. Water allegedly is…..well, wet and speeding (are you kidding?) is dangerous for all river users.
So my advice is decamp toute suite to the Cherwell, where no holds are barred and the age of waterborne chivalry is alive and risky as ever.
Pigs and flies take on a whole nuther dimension. But hey! Who hasn’t been embarrassed by reminders of student indiscretions? I know Backside has.
And luckily for Dave, Rebekkah is back in town, ready I’m sure to rejoin his Cotswold country supper set. Lol. So look out for more local goss, old chap.
Meanwhile the arch chav, Jerry, can’t help little Nicola with her CND revival, but ironically gives the Scottish labourites some ammo to fight her with. (Sorry about the preposition at the end there, Boris.)
And over in NY NY Dave’s leading the Syrian Peace Corps, with the help allegedly of our new mates, Iran, and Putin, suddenly everyone’s best friend.
More pigs and flies, Dave? Probably.
How could VW engineers ever imagine they could hoodwink the American market with fake emissions results?
If ever there was an example of the mighty falling, this is it! VW Group ads here recently have even managed to underline their leadership with ‘Germans do not make jokes’ – a tag-line that I suspect is now verboten.
The auto industry worldwide struggles with recalls but this is surely the biggest b*ll*ck ever dropped. Quite a feat for a firm to lose market value worth $20 bn – or twice the total value of the French rival Peugeot!
Ziz is ze Wnterhorn of our discontent, nicht Wahr? Hehehehe
In webspeak, that is. Old Backside and I, his ever-controlling head prefect, are conning you all into buying our ginormous pile of ordure; leading you up the proverbial garden path, as it were; painting a portrait which might not be a reflection of reality.
I recall that some years ago I appeared at the Big House purporting to be a young ballet dancer learning flamenco in Iberia; family in Surrey, etc., etc. and quite a few correspondents chose to befriend me. It was frighteningly simple to become a persona. When I owned up, some were less than complimentary; others disappointed.
Here on the chariot we are so few that it’s had to imagine any of is a simulacrum, to use an old word. But maybe we have the odd catfish lurking in the shadows? I wonder.
Last week it was a politician being rebuked for comparing disabled with ‘normal’ folk for the purposes of employment. This week Snow White is making an appearance on stage but friends have to take the place of dwarves.
Is the norm – in any social context – no longer a suitable topic for comment? Are we not allowed to refer to any less usual combination of attributes except by avoiding mention of the usual?
The trouble is that a significant number of common English adjectives is now outlawed: blind, deaf, crippled, etc., unless euphemisms replace them. Which ironically takes us back to the reign of Victoria, when so many conditions were unspeakable.
I am not proposing offensive bluntness. Just a proper understanding that censorship tends to have effects quite opposite to those intended. Calling a spade a coloured person doesn’t advance the cause of integration.
Apart from the horror of the word, let’s pause to consider the sheer madness involved in reintroducing species which man deliberately wiped out long ago.
I like the article’s final line: ‘The Scottish government has said there are no plans to reintroduce large predators’.
But what about fish? The little Sturgeon is quite enough, thank you; not to mention the untameable Salmond.